It is a weird thing to have to sneak around to do work. I feel like a cat burglar except I am wearing a bright pink t-shirt and baby blue blazer. In retrospect, not great sneaking clothes. But TFA says I have to "dress up" for our Professional Development Sessions. So I am dressing up like a college professor who does most of his shopping in the reject bin of Sesame Street. I am at school getting some work done (clearly being productive: note the blogging) before the TFA session. I am not supposed to be here because my tutorials do not start until next week so I am wandering around in the dark cleaning my room, organizing, and turning my head and gut in knots trying to figure out how the hell I am going to become a good teacher and implement centers next week when I also inherit the entire special ed population of the fifth grade 4 days a week and a part time co teacher. Anyone with ideas or resources, please send them. If you don't have those- don't worry, me neither :) You can send prayers. If you are agnostic, atheistic, or just don't think my classroom is worth your daily quota of prayers, well then you can send thoughts. Good ones. If I find out anyone is sending bad thoughts at my overcrowded room I am going to be crabby.
Semester Two, Week One, Day Six:
This week brought exhaustion and change. One of my favorite students withdrew out of the blue Monday after School- the rumour is her dad was deported and so they are moving back to Mexico. I am going to miss her, and since she just found out at the end of the first day back and I already felt like I had been hit by a truck full of adolescents who want to be in middle school- when she came back to get her books I gave them to her and said i would miss her, but I couldn't muster the emotional energy to ask for a hug in front of her mom, since I didn't want to seem creepy or inappropriate. I regret that stalling and insecurity in retrospect. (Afterthought: If you want to send hugs, I think right now I need those more than even good thoughts).
I spoke of this already: I am inheriting the entire special ed population from the other 5th grade classrooms. I am excited for this, while also overwhelmed. I feel like this will force me to differentiate more since my special needs students will no longer be a minority. Maybe life would be easier if God didn't use tough love so often but I have no doubt I will be stronger for this. I just need to keep focusing on the beauty of my rock as I push it towards the mountain peak, because I know that the peak I am striving towards is unreachable.
I am regularly reminded of the wonder that is the people God has put in my life. The people in my life down here are amazing. But it is very like going to a pet store and looking at the puppies. You get to touch and play with them very briefly, but there is not enough time to get to know them, play with them, wrestle, and fall into that blissful place where sorrow melts into laughter and everything outside the moment is gone. Someday I will find that place again, maybe even this summer with these people. I no doubt have so much more to learn from them.
Sidebar: I have the greatest family in the world. If anyone disagrees with this I will take it personally and talk about my family until their head explodes by the amazingness of them. I just wish I had not read so much spider man growing up. I think I read "with great power comes great responsibility" so many times it was tattooed on my brain. I guess that means I have two tats. Jeez I am so freakin' hard core! The way I see it, if it weren't for Spider man, the Round Table, and Robin Hood I would be making 6 or 7 figures and living in a mansion on Lake Harriet in the 612 just spending time with my family. Sorry family, if you weren't so amazing making me feel like i need to pay forward the Love I would have taken care of all of your financial woes.
Sidebar again: I think that last sidebar was too big to be a sidebar. It really is a whole paragraph, but it is too late to do anything about that now.
I have to run to the PDS for TFA ASAP. I will TTYL as long as I don't FUBAR SLAWS on the way to the BSM.
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3 comments:
Hi Marge
Glad that you are back online and sending us updates of your adventure in education. Keep the faith. Miss you.
Tammy
Matt
Thanks for pouring yourself into this career. You are making a difference even if it doesn't show right away. Remember, you are planting seeds and seeds take time to grow and bear fruit. (It sounds kind of sappy but it is true.)
The challenge is that we so seldom get to be around for the harvest.
Love ya and am praying for you and your kids, especially the little girl who had to return to Mexico.
Dad
matt,
you are an amazing teacher. i know it. can i visit you and your kids? we have spring break the first week in april - maybe i could visit? (still would have to take off of work but it'd be worth it) let me know.
i'd LOVE to meet all of your children and could come up w/ some fun dance stuff to teach, esp since you are now in charge of so many differently abled children.
remember to keep on goin b/c as your father said (and he is a very wise man) teaching is all about planting that seed and making a teeny little impression on a child's soul that CAN only grow.
thank you for being you.
always,
kg
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