Wishing my best was better than good.

Today my kids took the second TAKS- the math one. Learning to teach math has been a challenge for a poet whose best advice for math 3 months ago seemed to be- "look at it, do the right things, get the right answer. See?"

Either for deep seated moral and philosphical reasons, or to save my pride (or both) I continue to try to not buy into the system of testing that has obsessed our nation, scared our kids, jaded our administrators, and got our teachers to be ends and not means focused. I fight this system while wishing I had some measurable way to prove that Loving others matters. Also, wishing I could learn immediately how to teach while loving and getting all my kids to be good at thinking and testing...

Tonight my mother told me "Be easy on yourself. You are doing your best."

How can I be happy with that unless my best is the best? And what is the best?
Because I could pray more, swear less, eat better. I could smile more at strangers, plan smarter, drink less. I could tailgate strangers on the highway less, or more (if they deserve it (jk mom)). I could keep in touch with old friends better.

I don't know what my best looks like- but I know that when I finally hit it, it must be somehow even sweeter than a last second Mario Chalmers three in a championship game. Edwin McCain promised, "I'll be better when I'm older", and I agree. (ps- GO KU!!!!!)

A wise woman once told me to accept my best even if i know my best wasn't what i wanted, and focus on what I did well and my best getting better, but my hindsight is too good. Somedays my best might be downright poor. I need to appreciate those days because I get to realize where I screwed up. But on days like that I can't look in the mirror and say it was my best- because my best will way closer to flawless.

I shouldn't have screwed up so much.

But then, I look in the mirror and I think about my "heroes". Not my real heroes- like my parents, siblings, coworkers, and teachers. These people have shown me that I can be someone to emulate and admire, and still be a human worthy of being crabby at and flawed. Those people inspire me daily. But when I am really down, I look to the people that have achieved social fame for something and their flaws were not advertised as much.

In this process I made a really interesting realization- here are a few of my heroes that I look to regularly- Peter the Apostle, Mother Theresa, and Brett Farve.

All of them have one great thing in common- they screwed up a lot. Oh, and on the way they achieved true greatness on pretty much any scale.

I am gonna focus on Brett Farve because, well, he is new to this list over the last week. Brett Farve is my new model in my classroom. "Oh for Pete's Sake! Why the heck is that?" my MN friends might ask. Here is why:

Brett Farve holds many records. One of them is interceptions. He became famous for showing up day in and day out to perform and compete. More often than not he looked like he was having a blast. He celebrated his teammates, and kept his eyes on the task. He also returned fearless and would sling that pass in their again. And it might get picked off again. But 3 MVPs make me think that the good he did outweighed the bad. And that is what I want to focus on: day in and day out performing to the best of my ability. Enjoying it, not quitting no matter how beat up I get, investing a community in me and itself, trusting my team, and eventually winning (ie teaching). (Also, he got better looking as he got older- a goal of mine).


I wonder what part of this might be my Irish heritage. The fighting is happy and the songs are sad- Is there a chance that the nobility of the struggle is in the intentions and not the results? or is the route to hell actually paved with roads of good intentions? Is fighting knowing I am not winning, and might not be able to win in a definable sense worthwhile because the nobility lies in the struggle? Not reaching the top of the hill, but pushing, grunting, cursing, faltering, and then singing to myself as I go to find it and push upwards again?

So, before I grab a few hours sleep and go try to get excited for playing/teaching tomorrow (this year- metaphorically speaking, my inexperience is equivalent to having an offensive line made of retired soccer players, and 5 year olds in wheel chairs). But I still get to go out there and throw that ball!- Before sleep, i want to give a shout out to my corps down here- this weekend i needed help because I have been failing at not basing my self worth on my kids' test scores and I sent out an email asking for help to 9 people. I had 7 show up and give up 4 hours of a Saturday morning to help MY students with math, for no other incentive other than they are loving amazing people com minted to each other and our cause that one day all children in America will have the opportunity to achieve an equal and excellent education. They are a huge part of why I teach for America.